Past 6 months - Part 1 - January to April 2018
As the first half of the year passes and the second part starts, I feel called to reflect on the last 6 month of my new life.
The year started with me only having organised accommodation back in London for the first two weeks. After that, I did not know what would happen in terms of accommodation, but I was going to try and live in London rent free for as long as I could.
Those two weeks back to London, after having spent Christmas back home in Portugal, were confusing. Once again I felt pressure of doing things and keeping busy. I felt insecure about my choice of life, of trying to earn a living by doing Intuitive Healing and my Intuitive Art. I kept speaking and seeking others to give me approval for my choice in life, as well as reassurance that everything would go well. This, you may find obvious, did not work and I ended up feeling more and more frustrated and insecure. Until one day, it all made sense and I remembered, once again, that what I must follow is my own heart and nothing else. This is a new way of living, I have no control over anything, I must trust and follow my heart and intuition.
As these weeks passes, I posted on Facebook and asked for help. An opportunity came up to cat sit for 4 weeks and I took it. It wasn’t in London, it was Bletchley. I trusted that the Universe knew what the best for me was. I took another leap of faith, spoke to the owner over the phone and then turned up at the agreed day and time.
I ended up spending 6 weeks in Bletchley, in the lovely company of a very special cat named Bilbo. The first time we met, he come over to take a look at me and when I caressed him on his back, he showed me his belly in a sign of trust. By the end of my stay, I received a couple of ‘presents’ from Bilbo… if you know cats, you know what this means.
These weeks were a time of big change for me: the ending of an intense relationship, inspiration for my new healing offering and distant healing technique, wrote a couple of poems that poured out of me, filled a room with colourful artwork, offered distant healing sessions and did healing exchanges.
In the last two weeks of my stay, having gotten used to being in the same place for a few weeks, I started feeling a lot of fear. Fear engulfed my being, it was very strong. I had no idea where I would go next and only really knew about the next place the Wednesday before I had to leave. My mind was in a whirlwind. A few weeks before, I had set the intention that I would be back in London in March. I wanted to be back into a familiar place, but things did not turn out that way. I followed every clue I got, made decisions over what would be the most suitable space for me to be, as I knew that some options were simply not going to work. This meant I said no to a few offers. It felt confusing to feel the fear but also the clarity of the no, but I had to trust my instinct and intuition, regardless of it seeming contradictory. It was a new thing, to realise that the no could be so clear even when the rest was not very clear.
At the beginning of March, on a snowy Sunday, I ended up in Birmingham, not London. It was the first time, in a very long time, that I was sharing space with a stranger. The agreement was accommodation in exchange for help with marketing and publicity for their business. Half way through my stay, which was meant to be two weeks and then reviewed, I went down to London for a workshop ‘Woman of Me’ ran by Adriana Candeias (you can check her work and offerings here http://www.adrianacandeias.com). This workshop brought light into my need to feel supported, to allow myself to be helped by the masculine. It was transforming. I got really clear at what I needed and wanted right now and I took action straight away. A friend of mine, whom I had met online back in 2016 and in real life in February, had offered their place for me to stay if I ever needed. I had thought of taking the offer at some point in the year, but the need for this was now. I asked, they said yes, and at the end of my two weeks in Birmingham, on another snowy Sunday, I travelled to Newent, near Gloucester.
During the two weeks in Birmingham, I helped out with the business, I walked as much in nature as I could and I exchanged 2 amazing healing sessions. The last one, felt like it was a turning point on how I deal with discomfort. The session was filled with unpleasant sensations, feelings and memories. I tend to try and shift them straight away, because who likes discomfort? Yet, this time I decided to stay present. I realised that it was not so bad, that I could stay present and observe, instead of fearing it, I allowed it all to happen. It felt good and freeing to do this and this experience would help me a few weeks later.
When I got to Newent, the priority was rest and heal. A part of me just wanted to crumble to the floor and stop putting a brave face, it’s tiring. The next 5 weeks were spent mostly at home, from bed to the sofa and the occasional outing. Got to explore Avebury and Glastonbury as well as other places close to Newent. Most of the time I had no energy to do anything and by the forth week I reached a deeper low. I felt feelings, sensations and emotions from the past. The familiar ground of depression. For the first time ever, I allowed myself to feel it all. To be reminded of how I felt in my early 20’s, when I left university and had no job prospects. At that time I felt powerless, sad and lost. That particular week, I felt all those feelings again. I let them be and felt everything.
In the past, as soon as I felt the depressed cloud hovering over me, I started wanting to run from it or attempting to change it. I wanted to carry on my life and ignore the reasons and symptoms of it. By allowing myself to feel all these uncomfortable feelings, it felt that I went deeper quicker and this meant that I started getting back up sooner. I emerged from this week feeling stronger and with a new knowledge about my patterns and myself.
My friend held space for me, meaning, they were present, listened and were supportive of my state, without giving advice or wanting to make changes to the state I was in. I felt no pressure and that was healing in itself.
During this time in Newent, I created a few artworks in the beginning of my stay, as well as a very different one, entitled: ‘Let your heart be known’. It was inspired by a healing session with a client. During this session I saw a heart surrounded by flowers. The meaning there, was to give love to our own heart and surround it with beauty. As well as open your heart to the beauty that surrounds us, to life and the world.
At the end of April, I traveled back to Birmingham... (to be continued)