I have been quiet for what feels like a very long time. This morning, a friend encouraged me to share this part of my process even though I feel a little bit stuck and slightly uncomfortable. There is a lot to share from the last month and a half but I don’t feel ready to share everything just now. All in due time.
I have been back in my home town in Portugal since mid January. It felt right to come back and finally face some of the things in the past I had not been ready to deal with before. The process was one of cracking open, falling apart, slowly coming back together and a whole lot of healing. Right now, I fell kind of stuck in between two polarities that I was not fully aware of. The part of me that has been a certain way for many many years and the part of me that has only shown itself in very specific moments and that until a week ago I did not really know it to be my true self.
A few months ago I wrote a post saying that I felt I was one of those people with an inherently negative way of thinking. Following a series of events, I believe that this is not actually true. I caught a glimpse of what I believe is my true essence and it is optimistic, positive, trusting, playful, bright and light. I have not really allowed this side of me to come out and play except in certain situations and with certain people. The negative thinking, heaviness, depression and anxiety have been my comfort zone.
Once I started reflecting on what it means to be that optimistic, positive, trusting, playful, bright and light type of person; it felt both incredibly familiar and entirely foreign. It’s like I am doing a double take on life. Sensing this truth deep within me but clinging in some way to the familiar.
I’m in the middle of this, feeling how this knowing brings about an earthquake to my way of being. I’m in no (wo)man’s land, sensing the transformation that is happening within me. Some days it feels very clear, other days I am just immersed in a process I have no real understanding and other days I just go back to my old ways of being.
There have been many transformative moments in my life in recent years, but this one feels different. Like I am closer to the true self I have been looking to find and connect.
Not fully the old me, not the new me. I’m in between. I am changing. Two different characters within myself and a sort of rebirthing process.
If you are looking to find and connect to your true self or are in the middle of your very own transformation, I would love to offer some guidance with your process. You can book a FREE 30 minute exploration call with me, just check my availability here and book a time: https://www.pelagiapais.com/booking/
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