Postponing life

Even though I have read about this many times, I have recently came to the realisation of how much I keep postponing in my life.

I have been focused on self love and care for quite some time and it has been a continuous journey and practice. I feel like I have come a long way yet, there is more to do. In particular when it comes to loving my body.

I have been overweight since my early 20s, but even when I wasn’t overweight I thought there were a million things wrong with my body. I have tried many diets and I have tried many other techniques to love and accept my body. My weight has been fluctuating up and down during these last two decades.

When I loose weight I feel on top of the world, lighter and super proud of myself, if not slightly smug. When I put the weight back on and more, I feel depressed, I feel shame and have a fear that people will not like me and judge me for my size. Not only do I keep fluctuating in weight, I keep also fluctuating in lows and highs.

I can’t quite remember in what context I was thinking about this, but I was realising that I am able to love others, both in friendships and relationships, yet, if I was to think how much I loved some people in my life, I have not come close to giving this to myself. In fact, I was quite puzzled by this thought and can’t quite figure out how to go about it and what it would look like.

At some point in my reflection, I reached a moment of impatience and disbelief. All these years, I keep saying to myself that when I loose the weight I will feel lighter, happier, elegant, etc. I realised that those things are all the things I want in my life now, and I said to myself: ‘Fuck it, I want all of these now! I’m tired of postponing my happiness until I am a specific body shape and size, I’m just going to learn to love what I have right now, regardless of its shape and size.’ It was an ‘aha’ moment for me.

I started practicing straight away. Being kind to myself when looking in the mirror or noticing a specific part of my body I have difficulty in loving. I decided that pencil skirts really suit me and I’ll be wearing them more. I feel sexy in them and I want to also feel sexy now.

This is the body I have at the moment. It may change, it may not, but I am tired of waiting to be happy in the future, I want it now.

And then, it hit me again.

That I am postponing my happiness in other areas of my life too. Like: 
- When I have money, I’ll be happy.
- When I’m successful, I’ll be happy.
- When I meet my beloved, I’ll be happy.

My decision is in, and I choose to be happy now.

This is the body I currently have, this is the life I am living, with whatever amount of money I have available and whatever level of success I am having. I choose to be happy now and I choose to be my own beloved.

What have you been postponing in your life? Do you postpone happiness too? In what way?