Coming up for air

Coming up for air

Since about October last year, I have been feeling that something deep and big is coming up to the surface within me. It is very unpleasant. I have possibly been running away from confronting this thing and it seems that the time feels right now.

The last few weeks, I have felt like I have been stuck in a dark place where the feelings of rejection, being a fraud and intense fear have surrounded me every day. It has been very scary and overwhelming. Affecting the energy in my body, meaning that I have mostly felt depleted and like I have been running on empty.

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A Message: This is a time...

A Message: This is a time...

I have been sensing this message for quite some time but only today I felt called to put it down on paper as well as make it public. Hoping it resonates and inspires you to go deeper within yourself as well as have a different experience when listening or sharing stories.

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A Walk

A Walk

 

During the last two weeks of September, I went on a pilgrimage with a friend of mine from Germany. When we travel together there is always lots of healing and we seem to be called to places that spark that healing.  

This is one of a few reflective pieces of the experience:  

Next to where I stayed, near Sidmouth, Devon, there were some woods and one morning I decided to go for a walk on my own. We had been shown the walk a few days before and I was confident I could find my way around.

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My nevers.

I have plenty of time for reflection in my life here in Thailand, and the other day, what came to me, was how I was currently doing some of the things I had put in my mind I would never do. 
At some point in my life I thought I would not be travelling again for quite some time. My friends had partners and so our holidays together came to a stop. Anyway, even if I did want to travel on my own, who would be there to put sun screen on my back? And what about having meals on my own? Sounds terrible. Super awkward. I would not want to have to experience that. All these thoughts were excuses for not doing things. Truth was, that at some point, living on my own, I could not afford to travel much except to go back home a couple of times a year. But besides this, the idea of me going off on my own, sounded unappealing and kept me from doing other stuff, not only travelling. 

Some other things that seemed impossibilities for me, due mostly to some imaginary Pelágia rules, were never to show my upper arms except at the beach; not having my legs on show without tights; surely I can't ride a scooter, right?

I may be forgetting a few more. 

When I made my decision to move to Thailand for 8 months, would you believe me, if I said that none of these thoughts actually crossed my mind? And guess what, for the majority of my time here so far, I have not had anyone to put sun screen on my back. I'm still alive and have not burnt my back either! I have had many many dinners on my own, and once again, I have survived it all. It is so hot that there is no chance of wearing long sleeves, let alone tights! And sure enough, I can ride a scooter, slowly and sometimes nervouslessly, but I do it and even enjoy it. 

I guess, that once you make the right decision, just as I made the right decision for myself; all these thoughts or beliefs you used as excuses,to not do something, they just disappear. They're no longer important. In fact, I still don't have it all figured out for the rest of my stay. I still have nights when I wake up worrying about money. Yet, there is another part of me, which I have been listening more in the last few months, and this part tells me that things will work out and everything will be OK. 

As for the nevers, apparently, there isn't such a thing. I am reminded once again that the impossible is possible.