The other day I noticed something in my body. As I was walking, I noticed that my hand was closed and my thumb was tucked in with my fingers holding it safe. The first time I noticed and realised the reason for walking with this hand position was back in 2016 and I realised, through a series of events, self-enquiry and what was happening then, that this meant I was feeling anxious. To notice my body doing this again after a few years of not doing it, raised alarm bells for me. What part of me was feeling anxious and why was I not aware of it?...Read More
Today is the 15 October and it is exactly a month to the date of my return to London. As I continue to experience the amazing transformation and healing that the island of Koh Phangan is still offering me, I look back and see more clearly the different experiences and stages of my stay here. It all makes sense, it all seems to lead to the present moment in full perfection. In the last month, things have started accelerating considerably and my transformation is coming faster and faster. It is an internal process of growth with insights and many many realisations of how I have been living my life, what has been limiting me and learning to free myself from these limitations. Setting myself free. I trust that this last month I will learn to integrate these changes in myself and more continue to happen with ease and comfort.
I have a couple of art projects starting this week and I am super excited about painting more walls and allowing my creativity to express itself fully in these works. I am hoping to show you their progress in the coming weeks and tell you a bit more of the story behind these.
Last week I finally went to visit the east side of the island. I realise that I have not really been much of a tourist here and there is so much I have not done, but I trust, once more, that I will have the opportunity to come back and have the space to fully explore the natural beauty of this place.
London has been present in me, as the place I normally call home. I have no clue if it will feel like home in the same way, but am open to exploring how it will feel to be back. Moving from one of the biggest cities on the planet to a small village on an island in South East Asia, has been quite an experience.
I will be in London for 1 month (15 November until 15 December) and look forward to having the opportunity to share my Art Expression Workshop with anyone who would like to. If you would like to host a group session at your place, let me know.
I will also be giving my Intuitive Healing sessions which are now inspired in lots of the experiences of healing I have had on the island. If this has made you curious, get in touch and let's book a session and explore how I can support you.
Look forward to my return but I also want to still be very present with all that is still to happen for my last month here.
It's OK for me not to do some of the things I set out to do.
It's OK to follow whatever I feel like doing or not doing.
It's OK to stay still and not run around chasing things.
It's OK to give myself time to process, reflect and just adapt to whatever is coming.
It's OK for me to not want to speak to some people.
It's OK for me to take time to respond to some people.
It's OK for me not to justify myself and my actions.
It's OK for me to be true to myself and authentic.
It's OK for me to feel however I feel in each moment. I do not have to make it better, I can just be.
It's OK to not know what is to come.
It's OK to not know what I will be doing or what I want to be doing.
It's OK to feel undecided and confused.
It's OK to be the way I am and want to be.
It's OK to be controversial and it is definitely OK not to be a good 'girl' all the time.
It's OK to not do the right thing.
It's OK to be imperfect.
It's OK to follow my heart.
It's OK to allow for things and opportunities to go by.
It's OK to let go of a scarcity mentality.
It's OK to have change in my life.
It's OK to be fearful and it's OK to be confident too.
It's OK to cry and it's OK to laugh, be loud and happy.
It's OK to love and it is OK to allow myself to be loved.
It's OK to be different, to stand out and be seen.
It's also OK to hide sometimes.
It's OK to be quiet and it is OK to talk.
It's OK to share and it is OK not to share.
It's OK to grow and learn new things.
It's OK to do things that scare us.
It's OK to step forward into the unknown.
It's OK to be me.
On the 15 July 2017 it is 4 months since I arrived to Koh Phangan, Thailand. This marks half way of the time I have allocated myself to be here, 8 months in total. I thought I would look back on this time and reflect on the experience so far.
My life is so different from what it was half a year ago, and I often forget this.
Month 1 (15 March - 15 April)
My first month here was like a holiday. I met several people who came over for a retreat during and made some amazing friends. It was fun, there was laughter and deep conversations and the experience was transformative for all of us. And then, they left, one by one, they started to leave to go back to Europe and their normal lives. Me, I was lost and feeling bereft. This is now supposed to be my normal life and I have no idea what to do with it.
- within my first 10 days here I managed to sort my accommodation for the whole duration of my stay. 1 month by the seaside and 7 months in the jungle.
- made friendships I know will last for a very long time, even when they are no longer on the island
- completed a 10 day retreat with lots of yoga and a vegetarian diet, rested and had fun.
- drove an automatic scooter for the first time in my life
Month 2 (15 April - 15 May)
The end of the first month set the tone to the second month on the island. The feeling of being lost, loss of focus and feeling incredibly lonely. I was no longer meeting people daily and it felt like I spent a lot of time on my own. There were a lot of dark thoughts and I felt heavy with these.
This was the overall feeling I had, but I still met some interesting people through some events and Reiki healing swaps. For the first month and a half I walked everywhere, it was exhausting and limited my social interactions. Once I got the scooter, I gained more freedom and was able to go wherever I wanted.
- took care of Willie for 11 days, a cute but incredibly clever and stubborn little dog. We had a few challenging moments with each other, but in the end he won my heart.
- moved to a bungalow in the jungle where there is a sofa (not that common on the island) and I am surrounded by beautiful green nature.
- rented a scooter, which was then named Kika by my friends back in London.
- did some Reiki healing swaps, had amazing experiences and made some friends.
- ran my first ever workshop at La Casa Shambala. It was then called 'Intuitive Mandala Workshop'.
Month 3 (15 May - 15 June)
I flew to Kuala Lumpur in order to apply for another 2 month tourist visa. After being on the island and feeling so low, travelling to KL was a breath of fresh air and really brought new energy into me. I did not stay for long, but visited some of the sights in the city, figured out their transport system and felt rejuvenated by visiting a city with some of the commodities I had been used to when in Europe. After being there for a few days I did not want to go back to the island.
I did. I met more people through some of the events I was attending as well as the events I decided to run at my bungalow. Things seem to have shifted a little bit.
By the middle of this third month I finally realised that I needed to have a lot more focus for my business. That the energy of the island was quite strong and often distracting. New ideas started germinating, new ways of thinking and more clarity on what my aim was.
- I was successful in traveling to a different country in South East Asia and applying for a new visa for Thailand. I managed to learn how the visa process works and I planned the rest of my visits for the rest of the duration of my stay.
- got more clarity in what I wanted for my business and where I wanted to focus on.
- successfully ran several 'Intuitive Mandalas Workshops' at my place and learnt lots from them. Also got consistent really good feedback, that allowed me to develop it further.
- meeting at Samma Karuna to talk about the possibility of doing some art work on their walls.
Month 4 (15 June - 15 July)
Once I realised where I had been lacking focus and direction on my business, I decided to take action towards my goals. I realised I needed a coach, someone I could be accountable to and also someone who can give me some perspective on my business and work/life balance. I contacted Dina Michele, who is a kick ass amazing coach and with whom I had some coaching sessions last year and who helped me make a plan to change my life around. The two sessions I had with her in the last month have been amazing and life changing. I finally have a goal for myself and my business. It's a big mission and in order for me not to freak out, we are working on making it in small digestible bite sizes and steps.
During this month I have solidified some friendships on the island with people who I know I can count on and am growing to love.
This month, and in particular the last couple of weeks, has also been quite a challenge for me in terms of anxiety over money, my business and loads of self doubt. There have been lots of tears and a moment where I actually thought of giving up. I have come out of these moments with some lessons learnt about allowing more flow into my life, as well as allowing for things to progress without me trying so hard. I have gained insight on the way I think and behave towards money, the way I think I need to work not allowing for any fun or down time, and how I still need to work on setting boundaries for myself within myself and with others. There is lots to improve and learn still, but gaining insight over these things is the first step for change.
- have been teaching my workshop, which is now called 'Art Expression' in both Samma Karuna and Orion Healing Centre
- have ran a few online 1 to 1 workshops with people back in Europe and they translate really well in that medium and have had great feedback on these too.
- completed the biggest mandala I have ever painted on a wall at Samma Karuna and am immensely happy with the result.
- asked for help when I needed it
- took care of 3 month puppy called Bana for a week. She is the cutest puppy ever and has boundless energy. She almost broke me with all the crazy energy of a puppy and all the wee's and poo's I had to clean. Haha
- helped out in the garden at La Casa Shambla. It is a project I admire and want to support and help in whatever way I can. I had not worked in a garden for quite a long time, it is hard physical work but very satisfying.
- noticed the changes in my body from the last few months. The weight has been regularly shifting and I am discovering these new curves and welcoming this change.
I tend to be very impatient and demanding with myself. In my mind, I somehow should already be an established Reiki Practitioner, Artist and workshop provider. This post has helped me realise how much I have achieved so far. The list is not complete, but this is a great reminder of the many things I have done.