Mud, Sweat & Fear: The Journey to Braveheart

Mud, Sweat & Fear: The Journey to Braveheart

Online Snapshots versus Reality

I must say, I love all those stories of the successful turning around from nothing to lots. If you are coming here for that, you will be disappointed, there are loads of those all over the internet. This is me, right in the middle of the muddy, messy part of my life, of having my own business and not being successful, yet.

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'What about me?' The Before - part I

'What about me?' The Before - part I

‘What about me?’ This question popped into my mind several times in my life.

I am giver. I spent a lifetime giving my love, attention, energy, to work and people. I gave, again and again, and there would be times, when I would somehow stop and ask myself: ‘What about me?’

——

This is the first part of a two part post. A before and after account of what has changed in me. How I became aware of the many aspects of being me and what it means in practice to become aware, the transformation and the benefits.

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Old me, new me – deep in the process of transformation

Old me, new me – deep in the process of transformation

I have been quiet for what feels like a very long time. This morning, a friend encouraged me to share this part of my process even though I feel a little bit stuck and slightly uncomfortable. There is a lot to share from the last month and a half but I don’t feel ready to share everything just now. All in due time.

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Coming up for air

Coming up for air

Since about October last year, I have been feeling that something deep and big is coming up to the surface within me. It is very unpleasant. I have possibly been running away from confronting this thing and it seems that the time feels right now.

The last few weeks, I have felt like I have been stuck in a dark place where the feelings of rejection, being a fraud and intense fear have surrounded me every day. It has been very scary and overwhelming. Affecting the energy in my body, meaning that I have mostly felt depleted and like I have been running on empty.

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Back to work feeling

Back to work feeling

I still remember what it felt like to return to work after only finally getting used to being off during the Christmas and New Year break. I also remember how in 2015 in particular, returning to work felt worst than ever. In the previous months I had been meeting and socialising with quite a few people who worked for themselves and did not have a particular fixed daily schedule. I remember really wanting this for me too. To be my own boss and have the flexibility to choose what I did with each day.

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A Message: This is a time...

A Message: This is a time...

I have been sensing this message for quite some time but only today I felt called to put it down on paper as well as make it public. Hoping it resonates and inspires you to go deeper within yourself as well as have a different experience when listening or sharing stories.

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Looking for support

Looking for support

I would now like to talk about support. A few weeks back I wrote a post ‘Who am I’ (https://www.pelagiapais.com/blog/2018/9/12/who-am-i) telling my story so far. It is a long post and right at the end I added this bit that follows. It feels really vulnerable to ask for support and I have a fear of being judged for this, but I feel it is time to ask for support following my dream, because I do not have to do this on my own.

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Body wisdom

Body wisdom

The other day I noticed something in my body. As I was walking, I noticed that my hand was closed and my thumb was tucked in with my fingers holding it safe. The first time I noticed and realised the reason for walking with this hand position was back in 2016 and I realised, through a series of events, self-enquiry and what was happening then, that this meant I was feeling anxious. To notice my body doing this again after a few years of not doing it, raised alarm bells for me. What part of me was feeling anxious and why was I not aware of it?...

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Women’s Circle

Women’s Circle

A couple of weeks ago, I got inspired to create a video where I answered some questions about Women’s Circles from my perspective.

Questions like:

- What is a Women’s Circle and what happens in one?

- Why am I creating this Women’s Circle?

- Why should you take the time to come to this Women’s Circle?

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Who am I?

Who am I?

Hello! Welcome to 'It's not all happiness and coconuts'.

This is a longer post but I wanted to give you a bit of a context about who I am and what has been happening in my life in the last couple of years. At the end of the post there is a bit about financial support and it will make sense if you read this all. Hope you enjoy it.

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Postponing life

Postponing life

Even though I have read about this many times, I have recently came to the realisation of how much I keep postponing in my life.

I have been focused on self love and care for quite some time and it has been a continuous journey and practice. I feel like I have come a long way yet, there is more to do. In particular when it comes to loving my body

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I am here to heal the feminine

I am here to heal the feminine

‘I am here to heal the feminine’

This was a part of what came up for me this weekend when I participated in a workshop with the title: Magdalena: Mother, Teacher, Whore, lead beautifully and vulnerably by Winter Jade Icely @the_sexwitch.

When I uttered these words out loud, surrounded by a group of women, my body felt full of electricity. I felt the truth in these words deep in my whole being.

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Forgiving in pieces

Forgiving in pieces

I used to get very annoyed at all those memes about forgiveness and the idea they seemed to put forward that forgiveness is important in order to move on in your life, that if you continue to hold on to the hurt, you won't be able to move on, and I can see how this is true, yet, what really annoyed me was that I felt that there was a sort promise implied that everything would be ok once you forgave. It would be a happy ever after sort of life. 

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Showing up and going live

While I was still in Thailand, I felt a desire and a sort of calling to show up more on social media. I set myself the challenge of filming myself everyday (or almost everyday) on Instagram Stories. I felt there was a part of me that has been keeping me back, as well as a pull to take bolder steps. For me, filming myself, my face, in whatever state I am in that moment, was the challenge. 

Instagram felt safe in a way, I know less people in real life there. And then I started also publishing the videos on Facebook Stories. Not many people use it and it was showing up for people I do know. 

What happened? I started enjoying doing them. I enjoy the challenge of only having 15 seconds to express myself. I felt that this daily practice was helping me gain more confidence in speaking in front of a camera, and expressing myself in general. There is still some curation of what I put, and some days I am either busy or feel too low or demotivated to post. The majority of days, I turn up. I share about my day, or share about some of the thoughts that have been on my mind, sometimes I ask questions too. It mostly feels like I am talking to myself, and that is what I have set myself to do, the videos are for me, if people watch it and like it, then that is an added bonus. 

When I arrived in London, three weeks ago, I felt like I wanted to do a Facebook Live. I wanted to share that I was back and also to explain what I am offering at the moment and some of the wishes I want to make true. By then, I had made so many of the short videos that I was excited to sit in front of my laptop, with the camera on, and just speak from the heart. It felt great and I really enjoyed it. I felt I went in to some flow and I also managed to stay on topic. 

Today, I did a live blog post on Facebook again. Once more, I really enjoyed it and felt myself quite joyful of showing up and expressing myself with no fears. Here is the link to today's post. it has updates on the last year and a bit more about what happened in the 8 months I was away. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy filming it.

It's OK...

It's OK for me not to do some of the things I set out to do.
It's OK to follow whatever I feel like doing or not doing.
It's OK to stay still and not run around chasing things.
It's OK to give myself time to process, reflect and just adapt to whatever is coming.
It's OK for me to not want to speak to some people.
It's OK for me to take time to respond to some people.
It's OK for me not to justify myself and my actions.
It's OK for me to be true to myself and authentic.
It's OK for me to feel however I feel in each moment. I do not have to make it better, I can just be.
It's OK to not know what is to come.
It's OK to not know what I will be doing or what I want to be doing.
It's OK to feel undecided and confused.
It's OK to be the way I am and want to be. 
It's OK to be controversial and it is definitely OK not to be a good 'girl' all the time.
It's OK to not do the right thing.
It's OK to be imperfect.
It's OK to follow my heart.
It's OK to allow for things and opportunities to go by.
It's OK to let go of a scarcity mentality.
It's OK to have change in my life.
It's OK to be fearful and it's OK to be confident too.
It's OK to cry and it's OK to laugh, be loud and happy.
It's OK to love and it is OK to allow myself to be loved.
It's OK to be different, to stand out and be seen.
It's also OK to hide sometimes.
It's OK to be quiet and it is OK to talk.
It's OK to share and it is OK not to share.
It's OK to grow and learn new things.
It's OK to do things that scare us.
It's OK to step forward into the unknown.

It's OK to be me. 

Long Read: The last 4 months

On the 15 July 2017 it is 4 months since I arrived to Koh Phangan, Thailand. This marks half way of the time I have allocated myself to be here, 8 months in total. I thought I would look back on this time and reflect on the experience so far. 

My life is so different from what it was half a year ago, and I often forget this. 

Month 1 (15 March - 15 April)
My first month here was like a holiday. I met several people who came over for a retreat during and made some amazing friends. It was fun, there was laughter and deep conversations and the experience was transformative for all of us. And then, they left, one by one, they started to leave to go back to Europe and their normal lives. Me, I was lost and feeling bereft. This is now supposed to be my normal life and I have no idea what to do with it. 

Achievements:

  • within my first 10 days here I managed to sort my accommodation for the whole duration of my stay. 1 month by the seaside and 7 months in the jungle.
  • made friendships I know will last for a very long time, even when they are no longer on the island
  • completed a 10 day retreat with lots of yoga and a  vegetarian diet, rested and had fun.
  • drove an automatic scooter for the first time in my life

Month 2 (15 April - 15 May)
The end of the first month set the tone to the second month on the island. The feeling of being lost, loss of focus and feeling incredibly lonely. I was no longer meeting people daily and it felt like I spent a lot of time on my own. There were a lot of dark thoughts and I felt heavy with these.
This was the overall feeling I had, but I still met some interesting people through some events and Reiki healing swaps. For the first month and a half I walked everywhere, it was exhausting and limited my social interactions. Once I got the scooter, I gained more freedom and was able to go wherever I wanted. 

Achievements

  • took care of Willie for 11 days, a cute but incredibly clever and stubborn little dog. We had a few challenging moments with each other, but in the end he won my heart. 
  • moved to a bungalow in the jungle where there is a sofa (not that common on the island) and I am surrounded by beautiful green nature.
  • rented a scooter, which was then named Kika by my friends back in London.
  • did some Reiki healing swaps, had amazing experiences and made some friends.
  • ran my first ever workshop at La Casa Shambala. It was then called 'Intuitive Mandala Workshop'. 

Month 3 (15 May - 15 June)
I flew to Kuala Lumpur in order to apply for another 2 month tourist visa. After being on the island and feeling so low, travelling to KL was a breath of fresh air and really brought new energy into me. I did not stay for long, but visited some of the sights in the city, figured out their transport system and felt rejuvenated by visiting a city with some of the commodities I had been used to when in Europe. After being there for a few days I did not want to go back to the island. 
I did. I met more people through some of the events I was attending as well as the events I decided to run at my bungalow. Things seem to have shifted a little bit.
By the middle of this third month I finally realised that I needed to have a lot more focus for my business. That the energy of the island was quite strong and often distracting. New ideas started germinating, new ways of thinking and more clarity on what my aim was. 

Achievements:

  • I was successful in traveling to a different country in South East Asia and applying for a new visa for Thailand. I managed to learn how the visa process works and I planned the rest of my visits for the rest of the duration of my stay.
  • got more clarity in what I wanted for my business and where I wanted to focus on.
  • successfully ran several 'Intuitive Mandalas Workshops' at my place and learnt lots from them. Also got consistent really good feedback, that allowed me to develop it further.
  • meeting at Samma Karuna to talk about the possibility of doing some art work on their walls.

Month 4 (15 June - 15 July)
Once I realised where I had been lacking focus and direction on my business, I decided to take action towards my goals. I realised I needed a coach, someone I could be accountable to and also someone who can give me some perspective on my business and work/life balance. I contacted Dina Michele, who is a kick ass amazing coach and with whom I had some coaching sessions last year and who helped me make a plan to change my life around. The two sessions I had with her in the last month have been amazing and life changing. I finally have a goal for myself and my business. It's a big mission and in order for me not to freak out, we are working on making it in small digestible bite sizes and steps. 
During this month I have solidified some friendships on the island with people who I know I can count on and am growing to love. 
This month, and in particular the last couple of weeks, has also been quite a challenge for me in terms of anxiety over money, my business and loads of self doubt. There have been lots of tears and a moment where I actually thought of giving up. I have come out of these moments with some lessons learnt about allowing more flow into my life, as well as allowing for things to progress without me trying so hard. I have gained insight on the way I think and behave towards money, the way I think I need to work not allowing for any fun or down time, and how I still need to work on setting boundaries for myself within myself and with others. There is lots to improve and learn still, but gaining insight over these things is the first step for change. 

Achievements:

  • have been teaching my workshop, which is now called 'Art Expression' in both Samma Karuna and Orion Healing Centre
  • have ran a few online 1 to 1 workshops with people back in Europe and they translate really well in that medium and have had great feedback on these too.
  • completed the biggest mandala I have ever painted on a wall at Samma Karuna and am immensely happy with the result.
  • asked for help when I needed it
  • took care of 3 month puppy called Bana for a week. She is the cutest puppy ever and has boundless energy. She almost broke me with all the crazy energy of a puppy and all the wee's and poo's I had to clean. Haha 
  • helped out in the garden at La Casa Shambla. It is a project I admire and want to support and help in whatever way I can. I had not worked in a garden for quite a long time, it is hard physical work but very satisfying.
  • noticed the changes in my body from the last few months. The weight has been regularly shifting and I am discovering these new curves and welcoming this change.

I tend to be very impatient and demanding with myself. In my mind, I somehow should already be an established Reiki Practitioner, Artist and workshop provider. This post has helped me realise how much I have achieved so far. The list is not complete, but this is a great reminder of the many things I have done.