Too much

Yesterday, a friend of mine sent me a blog post entitled: 'The Myth of the 'Too-Much' Woman' by Sophie Bashford. You can read it yourself here:

My response to my friend was: 'Sooo good! It was like a salve reading it.' It felt that I was reading these words at exactly the right time for me and I feel that what I share next, is a direct result of the words from the blog post as well as the discussion I had with a male friend on this same topic.

Last night, I had a dream where I said all the things I wanted to say to my father. Accused him of all the actions that hurt the woman I am today. I woke up in the middle of the night, coughing and with a pain in my heart. It felt that what had been expressed in the dream kept being expressed through my body.

This morning, I woke up angry. I decided to write an angry letter to my dad on my journal. It is not a letter to ever be sent, but it is a letter of self-expression. Where I let go and put in words all the things I wanted to say out loud. These words have been stuck within me for a long time. I have shared some of it in therapy in the past or with other healers when it has come up, but I had never just sat with myself and really put it all in writing. I don't know the reason, and all I care is that today was the right moment to do it. At the end of writing the letter, I read it out loud. I allowed myself to feel that anger and sadness in my body and through my voice. It felt empowering and liberating and one day I may read this letter out loud elsewhere, whenever and if ever the time is right.

You know what else comes up as I write this, is the concern that someone is going to get triggered by my words. That they will be 'too much' for someone else. If I read it out loud somewhere, people might feel insulted and hurt and therefore I start the process of filtering myself, of thinking of how I can tone myself down, so that someone else doesn't get hurt. I forget that the same way as I may trigger someone in a negative way, I may also trigger someone in a positive way. I may even inspire others to do their own self reflection and explore their internal world further.

I carry on and I stand by what I have written and by the possibility of reading those angry words out loud in front of a group of people. I stand by something I find so important and that I feel like I have been loosing lately. I stand for self-expression, something so dear to my heart, that I am putting together a workshop entitled 'Healing Expression for Self-Love'. I am going to share all the tools I use to express different emotions, heal my body, mind and soul, and remove layers and layers of conditioning with my inquisitive and curious mind.

The memory of a previous relationship came to me this morning too. For the first time in my life, within that container of a relationship, I was able to express myself fully. I was never so angry as in the first year of that relationship, I cried many heartfelt tears, I expressed my sexual pleasure and desire, I laughed out loud and I let myself open to whatever presented. It was challenging on many levels, but in this post I want to focus on the freedom of self expression witnessed by the masculine. He was able to be there for me in really important moments, even when he was not sure what to do and how to react, he somehow was able to find a way to say or be and it was just the perfect thing. And so I felt a longing for these times, the times where I felt I was able to express myself in all my flavours. I want this for me. I want to find more and more ways of being this all the time, regardless of where I am and who is there. I am tired of filtering and toning myself down.

I also want to help other women explore expression in a safe place where there is only a neutral response and no one is ever made feel that they are 'too much'. Nothing is right and nothing is wrong, all is expression of whatever arises.

I'm feeling the call of having the theme of 'too much' for my next Women's Circle on Sunday, 28 October between 14.30 and 17.30 at The Sunflower Centre, Brockley, SE4 1XZ. Will you come and join the discussion and exploration of your own experience of what being 'too much' means to you?