Back to work feeling

Back to work feeling

I still remember what it felt like to return to work after only finally getting used to being off during the Christmas and New Year break. I also remember how in 2015 in particular, returning to work felt worst than ever. In the previous months I had been meeting and socialising with quite a few people who worked for themselves and did not have a particular fixed daily schedule. I remember really wanting this for me too. To be my own boss and have the flexibility to choose what I did with each day.

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Who am I?

Who am I?

Hello! Welcome to 'It's not all happiness and coconuts'.

This is a longer post but I wanted to give you a bit of a context about who I am and what has been happening in my life in the last couple of years. At the end of the post there is a bit about financial support and it will make sense if you read this all. Hope you enjoy it.

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I am here to heal the feminine

I am here to heal the feminine

‘I am here to heal the feminine’

This was a part of what came up for me this weekend when I participated in a workshop with the title: Magdalena: Mother, Teacher, Whore, lead beautifully and vulnerably by Winter Jade Icely @the_sexwitch.

When I uttered these words out loud, surrounded by a group of women, my body felt full of electricity. I felt the truth in these words deep in my whole being.

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Showing up and going live

While I was still in Thailand, I felt a desire and a sort of calling to show up more on social media. I set myself the challenge of filming myself everyday (or almost everyday) on Instagram Stories. I felt there was a part of me that has been keeping me back, as well as a pull to take bolder steps. For me, filming myself, my face, in whatever state I am in that moment, was the challenge. 

Instagram felt safe in a way, I know less people in real life there. And then I started also publishing the videos on Facebook Stories. Not many people use it and it was showing up for people I do know. 

What happened? I started enjoying doing them. I enjoy the challenge of only having 15 seconds to express myself. I felt that this daily practice was helping me gain more confidence in speaking in front of a camera, and expressing myself in general. There is still some curation of what I put, and some days I am either busy or feel too low or demotivated to post. The majority of days, I turn up. I share about my day, or share about some of the thoughts that have been on my mind, sometimes I ask questions too. It mostly feels like I am talking to myself, and that is what I have set myself to do, the videos are for me, if people watch it and like it, then that is an added bonus. 

When I arrived in London, three weeks ago, I felt like I wanted to do a Facebook Live. I wanted to share that I was back and also to explain what I am offering at the moment and some of the wishes I want to make true. By then, I had made so many of the short videos that I was excited to sit in front of my laptop, with the camera on, and just speak from the heart. It felt great and I really enjoyed it. I felt I went in to some flow and I also managed to stay on topic. 

Today, I did a live blog post on Facebook again. Once more, I really enjoyed it and felt myself quite joyful of showing up and expressing myself with no fears. Here is the link to today's post. it has updates on the last year and a bit more about what happened in the 8 months I was away. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy filming it.

1 month left

Today is the 15 October and it is exactly a month to the date of my return to London. As I continue to experience the amazing transformation and healing that the island of Koh Phangan is still offering me, I look back and see more clearly the different experiences and stages of my stay here. It all makes sense, it all seems to lead to the present moment in full perfection. In the last month, things have started accelerating considerably and my transformation is coming faster and faster. It is an internal process of growth with insights and many many realisations of how I have been living my life, what has been limiting me and learning to free myself from these limitations. Setting myself free. I trust that this last month I will learn to integrate these changes in myself and more continue to happen with ease and comfort. 

I have a couple of art projects starting this week and I am super excited about painting more walls and allowing my creativity to express itself fully in these works. I am hoping to show you their progress in the coming weeks and tell you a bit more of the story behind these.

Last week I finally went to visit the east side of the island. I realise that I have not really been much of a tourist here and there is so much I have not done, but I trust, once more, that I will have the opportunity to come back and have the space to fully explore the natural beauty of this place. 

London has been present in me, as the place I normally call home. I have no clue if it will feel like home in the same way, but am open to exploring how it will feel to be back. Moving from one of the biggest cities on the planet to a small village on an island in South East Asia, has been quite an experience.

I will be in London for 1 month (15 November until 15 December) and look forward to having the opportunity to share my Art Expression Workshop with anyone who would like to. If you would like to host a group session at your place, let me know.
I will also be giving my Intuitive Healing sessions which are now inspired in lots of the experiences of healing I have had on the island. If this has made you curious, get in touch and let's book a session and explore how I can support you. 

Look forward to my return but I also want to still be very present with all that is still to happen for my last month here. 


It's OK...

It's OK for me not to do some of the things I set out to do.
It's OK to follow whatever I feel like doing or not doing.
It's OK to stay still and not run around chasing things.
It's OK to give myself time to process, reflect and just adapt to whatever is coming.
It's OK for me to not want to speak to some people.
It's OK for me to take time to respond to some people.
It's OK for me not to justify myself and my actions.
It's OK for me to be true to myself and authentic.
It's OK for me to feel however I feel in each moment. I do not have to make it better, I can just be.
It's OK to not know what is to come.
It's OK to not know what I will be doing or what I want to be doing.
It's OK to feel undecided and confused.
It's OK to be the way I am and want to be. 
It's OK to be controversial and it is definitely OK not to be a good 'girl' all the time.
It's OK to not do the right thing.
It's OK to be imperfect.
It's OK to follow my heart.
It's OK to allow for things and opportunities to go by.
It's OK to let go of a scarcity mentality.
It's OK to have change in my life.
It's OK to be fearful and it's OK to be confident too.
It's OK to cry and it's OK to laugh, be loud and happy.
It's OK to love and it is OK to allow myself to be loved.
It's OK to be different, to stand out and be seen.
It's also OK to hide sometimes.
It's OK to be quiet and it is OK to talk.
It's OK to share and it is OK not to share.
It's OK to grow and learn new things.
It's OK to do things that scare us.
It's OK to step forward into the unknown.

It's OK to be me. 

My nevers.

I have plenty of time for reflection in my life here in Thailand, and the other day, what came to me, was how I was currently doing some of the things I had put in my mind I would never do. 
At some point in my life I thought I would not be travelling again for quite some time. My friends had partners and so our holidays together came to a stop. Anyway, even if I did want to travel on my own, who would be there to put sun screen on my back? And what about having meals on my own? Sounds terrible. Super awkward. I would not want to have to experience that. All these thoughts were excuses for not doing things. Truth was, that at some point, living on my own, I could not afford to travel much except to go back home a couple of times a year. But besides this, the idea of me going off on my own, sounded unappealing and kept me from doing other stuff, not only travelling. 

Some other things that seemed impossibilities for me, due mostly to some imaginary Pelágia rules, were never to show my upper arms except at the beach; not having my legs on show without tights; surely I can't ride a scooter, right?

I may be forgetting a few more. 

When I made my decision to move to Thailand for 8 months, would you believe me, if I said that none of these thoughts actually crossed my mind? And guess what, for the majority of my time here so far, I have not had anyone to put sun screen on my back. I'm still alive and have not burnt my back either! I have had many many dinners on my own, and once again, I have survived it all. It is so hot that there is no chance of wearing long sleeves, let alone tights! And sure enough, I can ride a scooter, slowly and sometimes nervouslessly, but I do it and even enjoy it. 

I guess, that once you make the right decision, just as I made the right decision for myself; all these thoughts or beliefs you used as excuses,to not do something, they just disappear. They're no longer important. In fact, I still don't have it all figured out for the rest of my stay. I still have nights when I wake up worrying about money. Yet, there is another part of me, which I have been listening more in the last few months, and this part tells me that things will work out and everything will be OK. 

As for the nevers, apparently, there isn't such a thing. I am reminded once again that the impossible is possible. 

Letting go

For the month of February in particular, the theme for me was 'letting go'. Back in the beginning of December 2016, I realised that I needed time for myself, to recover, heal and do lots of self-care. It would be too stressful for me to just jump from a full time job, and into a launching a business almost from scratch and living in London. The financial pressure would be too much. I handed in my notice for my flat at the end of December 2016 and during January and February 2017 I focused on letting go.

What did I let go of? A lifestyle; things, lots of things, I all of a sudden realised, I was quite attached to; my nest for the last three and a half years, the place that gave me quietness, solace and recovery time from living in a busy city; the same nest, which also allowed me to express myself creatively, both through my body with dance and the making of art. 
It was interesting to notice how attached I was to a bedside table, it was somehow hard to let it go. I observed my feelings about it, surprised as to how much an object as banal as that could mean to me. And still, I let it go. That, and much more.
During these two months I started selling first the smaller things and then the bigger things. I managed to keep the flat livable until the last week of February and then all of a sudden, the place started getting truly empty. By the end of the month, I no longer struggled with letting go as actively, although some things still brought a twitch to my heart when letting them go. 

Today, as I write this in my borrowed space for the next two weeks, I feel relief for having gotten rid of the flat and its contents. The flat because it was a financial burden, my things because they too had started feeling like a burden. My life contents resume themselves to a few suitcases and bags. It feels both liberating and gut wrenching letting go of control and allow more fluidity in how I live my life. The tickets to South East Asia have been bought an now a new adventure begins. 

Smiles from strangers

Recently I have noticed that quite a few people will smile at me when I'm out and about. Today, as I left the house to meet with a friend, I was crossing a pedestrian bridge near where I live, and once again, it happened. This young girl looked at me and smiled. I smiled back, of course, but this time I took notice and started thinking about all these strangers who recently have randomly smiled at me. After all, this is London, one of the biggest cities in the world, I don't really expect a lot of friendliness.

I wondered if it was because I was out in the middle of the morning, instead of the rush hour. Are people that are out and about outside of rush hours a bit more friendly? It's plausible. I certainly feel much happier these days when my day is not governed by a strict 9-5.
Could it be that because I am happier, more relaxed and walking a lot slower than I have ever done, I now have time to notice people and they notice me more? Or could it be that I emanate more of this contentment? 

I still don't know the answer to it and I will continue smiling to strangers in this big city and will be grateful when I get a smile back. 
Life is not all smiles, contentment and happy thoughts, but when these do happen, it makes a difference.

What have you not been noticing? Do you ever smile at strangers?