Old me, new me – deep in the process of transformation

Old me, new me – deep in the process of transformation

I have been quiet for what feels like a very long time. This morning, a friend encouraged me to share this part of my process even though I feel a little bit stuck and slightly uncomfortable. There is a lot to share from the last month and a half but I don’t feel ready to share everything just now. All in due time.

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Coming up for air

Coming up for air

Since about October last year, I have been feeling that something deep and big is coming up to the surface within me. It is very unpleasant. I have possibly been running away from confronting this thing and it seems that the time feels right now.

The last few weeks, I have felt like I have been stuck in a dark place where the feelings of rejection, being a fraud and intense fear have surrounded me every day. It has been very scary and overwhelming. Affecting the energy in my body, meaning that I have mostly felt depleted and like I have been running on empty.

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Back to work feeling

Back to work feeling

I still remember what it felt like to return to work after only finally getting used to being off during the Christmas and New Year break. I also remember how in 2015 in particular, returning to work felt worst than ever. In the previous months I had been meeting and socialising with quite a few people who worked for themselves and did not have a particular fixed daily schedule. I remember really wanting this for me too. To be my own boss and have the flexibility to choose what I did with each day.

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Women’s Circle

Women’s Circle

A couple of weeks ago, I got inspired to create a video where I answered some questions about Women’s Circles from my perspective.

Questions like:

- What is a Women’s Circle and what happens in one?

- Why am I creating this Women’s Circle?

- Why should you take the time to come to this Women’s Circle?

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Showing up and going live

While I was still in Thailand, I felt a desire and a sort of calling to show up more on social media. I set myself the challenge of filming myself everyday (or almost everyday) on Instagram Stories. I felt there was a part of me that has been keeping me back, as well as a pull to take bolder steps. For me, filming myself, my face, in whatever state I am in that moment, was the challenge. 

Instagram felt safe in a way, I know less people in real life there. And then I started also publishing the videos on Facebook Stories. Not many people use it and it was showing up for people I do know. 

What happened? I started enjoying doing them. I enjoy the challenge of only having 15 seconds to express myself. I felt that this daily practice was helping me gain more confidence in speaking in front of a camera, and expressing myself in general. There is still some curation of what I put, and some days I am either busy or feel too low or demotivated to post. The majority of days, I turn up. I share about my day, or share about some of the thoughts that have been on my mind, sometimes I ask questions too. It mostly feels like I am talking to myself, and that is what I have set myself to do, the videos are for me, if people watch it and like it, then that is an added bonus. 

When I arrived in London, three weeks ago, I felt like I wanted to do a Facebook Live. I wanted to share that I was back and also to explain what I am offering at the moment and some of the wishes I want to make true. By then, I had made so many of the short videos that I was excited to sit in front of my laptop, with the camera on, and just speak from the heart. It felt great and I really enjoyed it. I felt I went in to some flow and I also managed to stay on topic. 

Today, I did a live blog post on Facebook again. Once more, I really enjoyed it and felt myself quite joyful of showing up and expressing myself with no fears. Here is the link to today's post. it has updates on the last year and a bit more about what happened in the 8 months I was away. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy filming it.

1 month left

Today is the 15 October and it is exactly a month to the date of my return to London. As I continue to experience the amazing transformation and healing that the island of Koh Phangan is still offering me, I look back and see more clearly the different experiences and stages of my stay here. It all makes sense, it all seems to lead to the present moment in full perfection. In the last month, things have started accelerating considerably and my transformation is coming faster and faster. It is an internal process of growth with insights and many many realisations of how I have been living my life, what has been limiting me and learning to free myself from these limitations. Setting myself free. I trust that this last month I will learn to integrate these changes in myself and more continue to happen with ease and comfort. 

I have a couple of art projects starting this week and I am super excited about painting more walls and allowing my creativity to express itself fully in these works. I am hoping to show you their progress in the coming weeks and tell you a bit more of the story behind these.

Last week I finally went to visit the east side of the island. I realise that I have not really been much of a tourist here and there is so much I have not done, but I trust, once more, that I will have the opportunity to come back and have the space to fully explore the natural beauty of this place. 

London has been present in me, as the place I normally call home. I have no clue if it will feel like home in the same way, but am open to exploring how it will feel to be back. Moving from one of the biggest cities on the planet to a small village on an island in South East Asia, has been quite an experience.

I will be in London for 1 month (15 November until 15 December) and look forward to having the opportunity to share my Art Expression Workshop with anyone who would like to. If you would like to host a group session at your place, let me know.
I will also be giving my Intuitive Healing sessions which are now inspired in lots of the experiences of healing I have had on the island. If this has made you curious, get in touch and let's book a session and explore how I can support you. 

Look forward to my return but I also want to still be very present with all that is still to happen for my last month here. 

 

Smiles from strangers

Recently I have noticed that quite a few people will smile at me when I'm out and about. Today, as I left the house to meet with a friend, I was crossing a pedestrian bridge near where I live, and once again, it happened. This young girl looked at me and smiled. I smiled back, of course, but this time I took notice and started thinking about all these strangers who recently have randomly smiled at me. After all, this is London, one of the biggest cities in the world, I don't really expect a lot of friendliness.

I wondered if it was because I was out in the middle of the morning, instead of the rush hour. Are people that are out and about outside of rush hours a bit more friendly? It's plausible. I certainly feel much happier these days when my day is not governed by a strict 9-5.
Could it be that because I am happier, more relaxed and walking a lot slower than I have ever done, I now have time to notice people and they notice me more? Or could it be that I emanate more of this contentment? 

I still don't know the answer to it and I will continue smiling to strangers in this big city and will be grateful when I get a smile back. 
Life is not all smiles, contentment and happy thoughts, but when these do happen, it makes a difference.

What have you not been noticing? Do you ever smile at strangers? 
 

Outside of the herd

The beginning of 2017 came with a new start of my professional life. For the first time in around 20 some years I was not going back to a 9-5 job. In the first week of January I took some time to take notice to how I would feel not having to go back into work. I wanted to acknowledge the change. It turns out, that on the 3 January I had a doctors examination at 08.15 in the morning and this meant that I actually had to get up early and at a similar time to when I was working. I thought this was funny and slightly ironic. 

As the week progressed, I took pleasure in taking an afternoon nap, just because I could and also I was responding to what my body was asking of me. It felt good. 

Further down the week, I had a dentist appointment in Covent Garden at 08.30 in the morning. This would mean me doing exactly the same route as I would do for getting to my former job. I had to consciously  remember I was not going to work! And then, when I had to come back to Waterloo after my appointment, it all felt slightly surreal. I was walking in the completely opposite direction of everyone else. 

I don't know about you, but some times, I had fantasized getting to Waterloo to get to work and get myself on the next train back so that I could go back to my bed and sleep. It felt indulgent to be able to do such a thing, but it never happened. Walking back over Waterloo Bridge, it felt strange. It felt like I was the only person going in the opposite direction, while everyone else was going back into Central London and to work. I felt I was outside the herd. The 9-5 herd. I was part of this group of people for so long and all of a sudden, in that moment, I felt a bit of an outsider. I was somehow questioning myself:  'Am I valuable member of society if I am not part of the group of people who go to work every day during those fixed hours'. I know I am a valuable member of society, but this moment on the bridge made me suddenly question it. 

When I got to Waterloo Station, things changed. I suddenly was able to make true my desire of going on a train back home so early in the morning and while most people were coming into work. It felt exciting and I had a buzzing feeling in my body. It was a pleasurable experience.