Sharing openly from the heart. Looking Trauma in the eye.
This poem was written in February 2018 and it came out in flow from journalling. Suddenly one word joined another and it seemed to have a kind of song in it that makes it a poem, and there it was. The way this poem came out was different from my first one and it showed me the different ways they can come to me. Hope you enjoy it.
Read MoreEvery single soul purpose stated is a piece of who I am, and a piece of every single woman in the room and the world. We are all of those: healers, warriors, shadow hunters, galactic mothers, connectors to the ancestors, witches, truth tellers, bridges between worlds and much more.
Read More‘I am here to heal the feminine’
This was a part of what came up for me this weekend when I participated in a workshop with the title: Magdalena: Mother, Teacher, Whore, lead beautifully and vulnerably by Winter Jade Icely @the_sexwitch.
When I uttered these words out loud, surrounded by a group of women, my body felt full of electricity. I felt the truth in these words deep in my whole being.
Read MoreThis is a poem I wrote from an intense body sensory experience in Bletchley, February 2018. I will be adding some more of my poetry in the coming days. These pieces have all been written from a place of flow and inspiration, with no planning. I never thought I would be writing poetry, yet, here I am. I hope you enjoy this piece as well as my future ones.
Read MoreI used to get very annoyed at all those memes about forgiveness and the idea they seemed to put forward that forgiveness is important in order to move on in your life, that if you continue to hold on to the hurt, you won't be able to move on, and I can see how this is true, yet, what really annoyed me was that I felt that there was a sort promise implied that everything would be ok once you forgave. It would be a happy ever after sort of life.
Read MoreHow many times, as a woman, have you had to physically, and probably energetically, try to shrink yourself to fit? How many times did you dim yourself, so someone could feel better about themselves?
Read More
This second part of my reflective blog post on the first 6 months of 2018 mentions dogs, magical parks, fairies; as well as self-doubt, leaps of faith and trust.
Read More
The year started with me only having organised accommodation back in London for the first two weeks. After that, I did not know what would happen in terms of accommodation, but I was going to try and live in London rent free for as long as I could…
Read MoreDo you think that there is a list within you of memories that need to be released? Are there memories that keep coming up at certain times in your life?
Read MoreThis all inspired me to write this post as well as coming to the realisation, that I am no longer the ugly duckling and that it is time to embrace and embody the beautiful swan in me.
Read MoreLet's go back to joy. Let's go back to the 'warmth of the heart'. What are the things I do everyday that provide these for me:
Read MoreWhile I was still in Thailand, I felt a desire and a sort of calling to show up more on social media. I set myself the challenge of filming myself everyday (or almost everyday) on Instagram Stories. I felt there was a part of me that has been keeping me back, as well as a pull to take bolder steps. For me, filming myself, my face, in whatever state I am in that moment, was the challenge.
Instagram felt safe in a way, I know less people in real life there. And then I started also publishing the videos on Facebook Stories. Not many people use it and it was showing up for people I do know.
What happened? I started enjoying doing them. I enjoy the challenge of only having 15 seconds to express myself. I felt that this daily practice was helping me gain more confidence in speaking in front of a camera, and expressing myself in general. There is still some curation of what I put, and some days I am either busy or feel too low or demotivated to post. The majority of days, I turn up. I share about my day, or share about some of the thoughts that have been on my mind, sometimes I ask questions too. It mostly feels like I am talking to myself, and that is what I have set myself to do, the videos are for me, if people watch it and like it, then that is an added bonus.
When I arrived in London, three weeks ago, I felt like I wanted to do a Facebook Live. I wanted to share that I was back and also to explain what I am offering at the moment and some of the wishes I want to make true. By then, I had made so many of the short videos that I was excited to sit in front of my laptop, with the camera on, and just speak from the heart. It felt great and I really enjoyed it. I felt I went in to some flow and I also managed to stay on topic.
Today, I did a live blog post on Facebook again. Once more, I really enjoyed it and felt myself quite joyful of showing up and expressing myself with no fears. Here is the link to today's post. it has updates on the last year and a bit more about what happened in the 8 months I was away. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy filming it.
Back in London, at the end of 2016 and as I continued exploring my art in different formats and sizes, I had the desire of painting on a wall one day. Little did I know that a few months later I would be doing just that. I have now completed two murals and am working on a third one.
The first time, I had a lot of nerves, insecurities and a sense of not being worthy of the opportunity. As I started working on it, the feeling was of pure joy and of doing the right thing at the right time. The second time, there was still some doubts but once again, once I got into the process, I just allowed it to happen and once again it just felt right.
I hope to get more and more opportunities of creating my joyful mandalas wherever I go in the world. The energy they emanate will hopefully inspire those who appreciate them.
My work is all freehand. I only use measurements to find the middle of the space I am working on. The rest I just add bit by bit, allowing for the flow to inspire me as I add another layer. I often will also add the colour using my intuition and with not much planning to it.
Let there be more artwork in my life, more joy and vibrant colours.
(I accept commissions of work. If you are interested in having a mural, canvas or wooden mandala or any other of my creations, get in touch!)
Today is the 15 October and it is exactly a month to the date of my return to London. As I continue to experience the amazing transformation and healing that the island of Koh Phangan is still offering me, I look back and see more clearly the different experiences and stages of my stay here. It all makes sense, it all seems to lead to the present moment in full perfection. In the last month, things have started accelerating considerably and my transformation is coming faster and faster. It is an internal process of growth with insights and many many realisations of how I have been living my life, what has been limiting me and learning to free myself from these limitations. Setting myself free. I trust that this last month I will learn to integrate these changes in myself and more continue to happen with ease and comfort.
I have a couple of art projects starting this week and I am super excited about painting more walls and allowing my creativity to express itself fully in these works. I am hoping to show you their progress in the coming weeks and tell you a bit more of the story behind these.
Last week I finally went to visit the east side of the island. I realise that I have not really been much of a tourist here and there is so much I have not done, but I trust, once more, that I will have the opportunity to come back and have the space to fully explore the natural beauty of this place.
London has been present in me, as the place I normally call home. I have no clue if it will feel like home in the same way, but am open to exploring how it will feel to be back. Moving from one of the biggest cities on the planet to a small village on an island in South East Asia, has been quite an experience.
I will be in London for 1 month (15 November until 15 December) and look forward to having the opportunity to share my Art Expression Workshop with anyone who would like to. If you would like to host a group session at your place, let me know.
I will also be giving my Intuitive Healing sessions which are now inspired in lots of the experiences of healing I have had on the island. If this has made you curious, get in touch and let's book a session and explore how I can support you.
Look forward to my return but I also want to still be very present with all that is still to happen for my last month here.
It's OK for me not to do some of the things I set out to do.
It's OK to follow whatever I feel like doing or not doing.
It's OK to stay still and not run around chasing things.
It's OK to give myself time to process, reflect and just adapt to whatever is coming.
It's OK for me to not want to speak to some people.
It's OK for me to take time to respond to some people.
It's OK for me not to justify myself and my actions.
It's OK for me to be true to myself and authentic.
It's OK for me to feel however I feel in each moment. I do not have to make it better, I can just be.
It's OK to not know what is to come.
It's OK to not know what I will be doing or what I want to be doing.
It's OK to feel undecided and confused.
It's OK to be the way I am and want to be.
It's OK to be controversial and it is definitely OK not to be a good 'girl' all the time.
It's OK to not do the right thing.
It's OK to be imperfect.
It's OK to follow my heart.
It's OK to allow for things and opportunities to go by.
It's OK to let go of a scarcity mentality.
It's OK to have change in my life.
It's OK to be fearful and it's OK to be confident too.
It's OK to cry and it's OK to laugh, be loud and happy.
It's OK to love and it is OK to allow myself to be loved.
It's OK to be different, to stand out and be seen.
It's also OK to hide sometimes.
It's OK to be quiet and it is OK to talk.
It's OK to share and it is OK not to share.
It's OK to grow and learn new things.
It's OK to do things that scare us.
It's OK to step forward into the unknown.
It's OK to be me.
On the 15 July 2017 it is 4 months since I arrived to Koh Phangan, Thailand. This marks half way of the time I have allocated myself to be here, 8 months in total. I thought I would look back on this time and reflect on the experience so far.
My life is so different from what it was half a year ago, and I often forget this.
Month 1 (15 March - 15 April)
My first month here was like a holiday. I met several people who came over for a retreat during and made some amazing friends. It was fun, there was laughter and deep conversations and the experience was transformative for all of us. And then, they left, one by one, they started to leave to go back to Europe and their normal lives. Me, I was lost and feeling bereft. This is now supposed to be my normal life and I have no idea what to do with it.
Achievements:
Month 2 (15 April - 15 May)
The end of the first month set the tone to the second month on the island. The feeling of being lost, loss of focus and feeling incredibly lonely. I was no longer meeting people daily and it felt like I spent a lot of time on my own. There were a lot of dark thoughts and I felt heavy with these.
This was the overall feeling I had, but I still met some interesting people through some events and Reiki healing swaps. For the first month and a half I walked everywhere, it was exhausting and limited my social interactions. Once I got the scooter, I gained more freedom and was able to go wherever I wanted.
Achievements
Month 3 (15 May - 15 June)
I flew to Kuala Lumpur in order to apply for another 2 month tourist visa. After being on the island and feeling so low, travelling to KL was a breath of fresh air and really brought new energy into me. I did not stay for long, but visited some of the sights in the city, figured out their transport system and felt rejuvenated by visiting a city with some of the commodities I had been used to when in Europe. After being there for a few days I did not want to go back to the island.
I did. I met more people through some of the events I was attending as well as the events I decided to run at my bungalow. Things seem to have shifted a little bit.
By the middle of this third month I finally realised that I needed to have a lot more focus for my business. That the energy of the island was quite strong and often distracting. New ideas started germinating, new ways of thinking and more clarity on what my aim was.
Achievements:
Month 4 (15 June - 15 July)
Once I realised where I had been lacking focus and direction on my business, I decided to take action towards my goals. I realised I needed a coach, someone I could be accountable to and also someone who can give me some perspective on my business and work/life balance. I contacted Dina Michele, who is a kick ass amazing coach and with whom I had some coaching sessions last year and who helped me make a plan to change my life around. The two sessions I had with her in the last month have been amazing and life changing. I finally have a goal for myself and my business. It's a big mission and in order for me not to freak out, we are working on making it in small digestible bite sizes and steps.
During this month I have solidified some friendships on the island with people who I know I can count on and am growing to love.
This month, and in particular the last couple of weeks, has also been quite a challenge for me in terms of anxiety over money, my business and loads of self doubt. There have been lots of tears and a moment where I actually thought of giving up. I have come out of these moments with some lessons learnt about allowing more flow into my life, as well as allowing for things to progress without me trying so hard. I have gained insight on the way I think and behave towards money, the way I think I need to work not allowing for any fun or down time, and how I still need to work on setting boundaries for myself within myself and with others. There is lots to improve and learn still, but gaining insight over these things is the first step for change.
Achievements:
I tend to be very impatient and demanding with myself. In my mind, I somehow should already be an established Reiki Practitioner, Artist and workshop provider. This post has helped me realise how much I have achieved so far. The list is not complete, but this is a great reminder of the many things I have done.
I have plenty of time for reflection in my life here in Thailand, and the other day, what came to me, was how I was currently doing some of the things I had put in my mind I would never do.
At some point in my life I thought I would not be travelling again for quite some time. My friends had partners and so our holidays together came to a stop. Anyway, even if I did want to travel on my own, who would be there to put sun screen on my back? And what about having meals on my own? Sounds terrible. Super awkward. I would not want to have to experience that. All these thoughts were excuses for not doing things. Truth was, that at some point, living on my own, I could not afford to travel much except to go back home a couple of times a year. But besides this, the idea of me going off on my own, sounded unappealing and kept me from doing other stuff, not only travelling.
Some other things that seemed impossibilities for me, due mostly to some imaginary Pelágia rules, were never to show my upper arms except at the beach; not having my legs on show without tights; surely I can't ride a scooter, right?
I may be forgetting a few more.
When I made my decision to move to Thailand for 8 months, would you believe me, if I said that none of these thoughts actually crossed my mind? And guess what, for the majority of my time here so far, I have not had anyone to put sun screen on my back. I'm still alive and have not burnt my back either! I have had many many dinners on my own, and once again, I have survived it all. It is so hot that there is no chance of wearing long sleeves, let alone tights! And sure enough, I can ride a scooter, slowly and sometimes nervouslessly, but I do it and even enjoy it.
I guess, that once you make the right decision, just as I made the right decision for myself; all these thoughts or beliefs you used as excuses,to not do something, they just disappear. They're no longer important. In fact, I still don't have it all figured out for the rest of my stay. I still have nights when I wake up worrying about money. Yet, there is another part of me, which I have been listening more in the last few months, and this part tells me that things will work out and everything will be OK.
As for the nevers, apparently, there isn't such a thing. I am reminded once again that the impossible is possible.
Some of you may know and others don't, but I am currently living in Thailand. I'm still writing a longer post about the transition and how it all happened but for now I want to talk about the many goodbyes, a few hellos and more goodbyes that I have been experiencing in a short period of time.
Leaving London was hard. Leaving my friends behind was even harder. We have gone through quite a lot and we have stuck by each other in good and bad times. The idea of me moving so far away affected all of us and saying goodbye to them was really hard. A part of me kept reminding myself that they will be here when I get back and nowadays we can keep in touch so easily, but this did not stop the sadness.
I was terrified of this big change in my life. Travelling on my own to a country and region of the world I have never been to before.
The first 10 days I was at a retreat. I wanted a slow adjustment to the country as well as to be taken care for those first few days. Very soon, I started meeting people. Very surprisingly, or maybe not, I started connecting quite easily and deeply with the people I was meeting. Amazing conversations were had, and even comfortable silences. And soon after my 10 days were over, the goodbyes started (again) and I was feeling them a lot too. These beautiful people around me, whom I hardly knew, were touching different parts of me with our connection. The separation hurt, even though I was inevitable. Last week I said goodbye to two of the people I connected mostly and it was so hard. I don't know how I got attached to their company so easily. I knew they would be going back to their countries, yet I could not stop myself from feeling some sort of loss.
It feels a bit exaggerated, but I have since learnt that things are felt very strongly on this island. It is a special place. I have been told that all the feelings and experiences I am going through are part of the Koh Phangan experience. It happens all the time to many people and it will continue to happen. There will be many more people who will touch my life and they too will leave eventually. And one day, it will be me leaving.
Some of you may know and others don't, but I am currently living in Thailand. I'm still writing a longer post about the transition and how it all happened but for now I want to talk about the many goodbyes, a few hellos and more goodbyes that I have been experiencing in a short period of time.
Leaving London was hard. Leaving my friends behind was even harder. We have gone through quite a lot and we have stuck by each other in good and bad times. The idea of me moving so far away affected all of us and saying goodbye to them was really hard. A part of me kept reminding myself that they will be here when I get back and nowadays we can keep in touch so easily, but this did not stop the sadness.
I was terrified of this big change in my life. Travelling on my own to a country and region of the world I have never been to before.
The first 10 days I was at a retreat. I wanted a slow adjustment to the country as well as to be taken care for those first few days. Very soon, I started meeting people. Very surprisingly, or maybe not, I started connecting quite easily and deeply with the people I was meeting. Amazing conversations were had, and even comfortable silences. And soon after my 10 days were over, the goodbyes started (again) and I was feeling them a lot too. These beautiful people around me, whom I hardly knew, were touching different parts of me with our connection. The separation hurt, even though I was inevitable. Last week I said goodbye to two of the people I connected mostly and it was so hard. I don't know how I got attached to their company so easily. I knew they would be going back to their countries, yet I could not stop myself from feeling some sort of loss.
It feels a bit exaggerated, but I have since learnt that things are felt very strongly on this island. It is a special place. I have been told that all the feelings and experiences I am going through are part of the Koh Phangan experience. It happens all the time to many people and it will continue to happen. There will be many more people who will touch my life and they too will leave eventually. And one day, it will be me leaving.
For the month of February in particular, the theme for me was 'letting go'. Back in the beginning of December 2016, I realised that I needed time for myself, to recover, heal and do lots of self-care. It would be too stressful for me to just jump from a full time job, and into a launching a business almost from scratch and living in London. The financial pressure would be too much. I handed in my notice for my flat at the end of December 2016 and during January and February 2017 I focused on letting go.
What did I let go of? A lifestyle; things, lots of things, I all of a sudden realised, I was quite attached to; my nest for the last three and a half years, the place that gave me quietness, solace and recovery time from living in a busy city; the same nest, which also allowed me to express myself creatively, both through my body with dance and the making of art.
It was interesting to notice how attached I was to a bedside table, it was somehow hard to let it go. I observed my feelings about it, surprised as to how much an object as banal as that could mean to me. And still, I let it go. That, and much more.
During these two months I started selling first the smaller things and then the bigger things. I managed to keep the flat livable until the last week of February and then all of a sudden, the place started getting truly empty. By the end of the month, I no longer struggled with letting go as actively, although some things still brought a twitch to my heart when letting them go.
Today, as I write this in my borrowed space for the next two weeks, I feel relief for having gotten rid of the flat and its contents. The flat because it was a financial burden, my things because they too had started feeling like a burden. My life contents resume themselves to a few suitcases and bags. It feels both liberating and gut wrenching letting go of control and allow more fluidity in how I live my life. The tickets to South East Asia have been bought an now a new adventure begins.
