Abandoned
/When I sat down with my therapist this week, I needed help trying to find a thread to all these events that have been happening in my life in recent weeks that have brought intense emotional states. I could see the different parts myself, I could identify some patterns, but I could not understand them together.
I could tell that abandonment certainly seemed to be something I was experiencing through these events, yet, I was confused by it. Both my parents where there when I was growing up. They did not disappear. How could my fear of abandonment be so triggered if at the surface of it all, I could not see where it was coming from.
To me, my understanding of abandonment, meant to be actually physically left. Like a parent leaving the household either by choice or by not having a choice. Or the death of a parent. I could understand that.
In this session and through further reflection, I started understanding that the experience of being abandoned comes from many more different experiences that are not often very obvious.
When my father, at some point decided to give the upbringing of his children to my mother so that he could focus on something else. It is abandonment.
Before then, he had already disengaged emotionally with his children from very early on. This is abandonment.
When a I ended up mothering my mother, being the peace keeper of the family and holding the emotional energy of the whole family. This is abandonment.
These three situations left me alone. Left me feeling like I had the responsibility of holding everything and everyone. By focusing so much outwards when growing up, by needing to pay so much attention to the people around me and the environment, so that I could step in when needed, I also abandoned myself.
It turns out, that my past indeed is full of abandonment.
It is no wonder that my fear of abandonment has been so triggered in the past few weeks. But it has been within me throughout my life.
I realised that back when this country voted to exit the European Union based on a campaign that viewed foreigners, me being one of them, as the people who were in the way and should just go back to where they came from, I felt abandoned. I had come to adopt this country as my own, and with that vote result, I felt I was being rejected, unwelcome. I felt abandoned.
When I found an abandoned dog on the street the other week. I felt deeply affected about how can someone care enough for a dog to keep it healthy but had decided to leave it out on the street. How the dog was going to spend the night in a cement cell at the police station. It turns out that the story had a happy ending and the dog was returned to their owners, but that night, I cried and could not quite understand why it was affecting me so much.
When that friend told me they no longer wanted me in their life. I felt abandoned.
When another friend made the decision to move back home. A part of me felt abandoned, even though I am perfectly conscious that the move is not about me.
When I sense how much we have abandoned other human beings simply because of the colour of their skin. And how I have a role in this abandonment too. I realise that I have abandoned other human beings just by benefiting from the world and the system we live in.
And when I go even deeper, I start realising that this abandonment comes in other more subtle forms too.
When my mother tried to reach me a few weeks ago, I got really angry. When I connected to that anger, I realised it came from the fact that once again, she was not honouring and respecting my request of not being contacted. She was continuing not listening and to me this too is a form of abandonment.
When I was feeling ill and I was so desperate to finding a solution, that I paid to have a phone appointment with a specialist, thinking that by paying for the appointment I would be entitled to be heard fully. When I felt rushed and not heard. I got angry again. When I go deeper, I find that the health system in this country and the doctors I have experienced recently, are abandoning their patients. They are not listening. Everything is timed, they are rushing from one thing to the other. They are not listening to their patients.
As human beings, we are abandoning each other all the time and ourselves.
Not listening is abandonment.
Not listening to ourselves, our body, our needs, is abandonment.
Not listening to others, not finding the time to fully listen to others, is abandonment.
Our governments are abandoning us. Our politicians are abandoning us. This whole system we created and live in is abandoning us.
We as a society and the world in general are without parents and carers.
We are without listeners.
We are without stories.
We are abandoned.
My experience is not unique. My experience is a snippet of what is happening in the bigger world.
Do you want to know my answer to this?
It starts with me and it starts with you.
When we learn to deeply listen to ourselves. When we learn to listen to our bodies, our needs, our wounds, our inner-children. To be present within our individual world. We learn to listen to others.
When we hold space to ourselves. To listen. We are then able to hold space for others. To fully listen and be present to others.
When we are fully present and able to listen to ourselves and others, all these disparities, discrepancies and feelings of separation disappear.
Do you want to make a difference? Do you want to have a place in the changing ofe world? It starts with you. It starts with looking at all the wounds you hold within. Taking responsibility of our roles in abandoning ourselves and others.
In order for me to feel less abandoned, I need to listen to myself more. I need to look within and observe the patterns, bring them to my awareness, understand them. This is what brings about change, both within me, and out in the world.
This is not about reaching a goal, this is a practice. A life long practice. There is no quick fix, cannot be achieved, there are no series of steps that will take you there. There is no there.
There is only each present moment.
How are you feeling abandoned right now?
What are you not listening to within yourself?
And how are you not listening to others?
Every month I send an email to your inbox with a summary of what has come up for me and a bit more on the background of my life.
Pelagia Pais is still figuring out what to call herself and her offer to the world. She is an Intuitive, a Coach, a Healer, a Writer, an Artist and so much more of what lies in between. For now you can read more of what she experiences and shares in her blog ‘It’s not all happiness and coconuts’ (www.pelagiapais.com/blog).