I Show Up, I Howl
/“The real miracle of individuation and reclamation of Wild Woman is that we all begin the process before we are ready, before we are strong enough, before we know enough; we begin a dialogue with thoughts and feelings that both tickle and thunder within us. We respond before we know how to speak the language, before we know all the answers, and before we know exactly to whom we are speaking. (…)
I know several writers who have this glyph taped above their writing desks. (…) It is from a poem by Charles Simic and it is the ultimate instruction to us all: ‘He who cannot howl, will not find his pack.’” from ‘Women who run with the wolves: Contacting the power of the Wild Woman’ by Clarissa Pinkola Estés
This is where I am right now. All I know is to keep showing up. To share whatever I feel called to share, to show up, regardless of the many doubts and the not knowing where I’m going.
At some point in my life, the way I was living, no longer rang true. The remembrance of my childhood trauma (Remembering Trauma), made it that I no longer knew who I was. The fact that I had spent the previous 40 years of my life, going about living, completely unaware of that big thing that happened when I was two years old. 40 years spent in survival mode, doing the best I could, but hiding both this secret and myself so deeply, that I was only showing up at the surface.
You see, I made up a story about my childhood and growing up of only the best few bits. I created a story of my experience and I believed it. My childhood had been ok.
When I finally remembered not only what happened to me when I was two, but the other aspects of my trauma experience: such as parenting my mother from birth, carrying the emotional load of the whole family throughout childhood and into adulthood, being the peace maker between my parents, etc; then I realised that I had never been me, just a version of myself that I thought I needed to be so that others would love me. So that I would feel loved in my family. I mean, needed, which I just assumed was the same thing as loved.
By becoming aware of how much I did not know my true self, who I was, it lead me to big life changing decisions. Deep within me, there was a clear voice, something that seemed new, that was telling me that something needed to change. In that time of deep transformation, I have heard myself say many times, I cannot go back to how it was, to do so, it would be like the death of my soul.
You see, once the lid is open, you can’t put it back in. The knowing, the awareness, just won’t disappear ever again. Many many times, I wished I did not know what happened to me. Many many times, I grew impatient of the amount of time the healing process takes and how I just wish I could be in the good bit. The bit where everything just miraculously falls into place and I am happy, I have money, I have the body I have always wanted, I have the relationship I crave, etc.
By wishing to be in a future that was made purely of high expectations, I ended up feeling even more frustrated and angry. Angry because I surely deserved a good happy life. A life with ease and all my dreams come true, right? I had enough of suffering for sure. When is the good bit going to be here, now?
It’s only been recently that I have come to understand that the best life is the one I am living right now. In the present moment, each day at a time. Not in the past and not in the future.
It’s up to me, to make each day be my best day. What does this mean?
To me, right now, it means to make choices that feel good to me, that feel aligned. It is to be present in the uncomfortable moments, to be curious as to why am I feeling that way and give myself the space and time to process it. Reminding myself to be compassionate, always.
Some days, my best day is, after being super hard on myself, becoming aware of it and taking compassionate steps.
Other days, it is feeling deeply inspired by conversations with like minded people and starting an art piece or a piece of writing.
Every day is a new chance to make myself happier, healthier, kinder.
Each day is an opportunity to make different choices, those that may work for me one day and not work the other.
Each day is an opportunity to learn more about myself and to allow my true self to emerge more and more.
Each day is an opportunity to heal different parts of me.
All this is achieved with a pinch of awareness, a dash of trust and plenty of hope.
And so, I continue to show up. I show up in my Instagram and Facebook stories, sometimes not even knowing why I am sharing what I am sharing. Other times committing to posting once a week and allowing whatever words decide to birth themselves on the white screen. Whenever I try to say to myself that I ‘need’ to write or share about this or that, resistance and discomfort show up. When I let go, I come back to centre, trust and just start typing.
The last couple of days, I spent feeling uncomfortable, restless, postponing doing what I though I needed to do. All of a sudden I felt inspired to do everything else, but what I had decided to do. Writing a piece about a film documentary I watched in the week. I realise now, I need more time to process that experience and all the insights I received. The piece will come whenever it wants to come, or not at all. Maybe it has already done everything it needed to do.
I show up, I share, I speak, I howl. Trusting that something will eventually come together. That all the pieces of the puzzle are gently but surely coming together and that the bigger picture will soon show itself to me.
I show up, I howl.
With Love,
Pelagia Pais
Pelagia Pais is still figuring out what to call herself and her offer to the world. She is an Intuitive, a Coach, a Healer, a Writer, an Artist and so much more of what lies in between. For now you can read more of what she experiences and shares in her blog ‘It’s not all happiness and coconuts’ (www.pelagiapais.com/blog).
If you are looking for a morning routine to help you ground your energy in yourself, be more present and start the day feeling calm and centred, check her Morning Star Practice - A Standing Guided Meditation here: www.pelagiapais.com/shop. The practice is available in different prices that suit all pockets and is a form of contributing to her work and continued offerings.