Remembering Trauma - my story

Remembering Trauma - my story

The following text is a post on my experience of remembering trauma and I share something that feels very sensitive. The path for me to actually press the publish button, has felt long and painful. The more I felt the push to publish, the more fears came up, the fear is still here, right now, as I write, and I am still going to press the publish button.

The push eventually subsided and now I have a sense that these words need to be said so that I can carry on exploring my authentic self in all it’s colours, variations and emotions. It feels like I can no longer write about anything without sharing this first.

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Agony

Agony

At the beginning of the year I spent a couple of months back in Portugal, where I come from. During that time a lot happened. It was intense and there has been a memory from the past, that keeps wanting to be released and shared here. During this particular time in Portugal, this desire to share that story was intensified, to a point where it felt suffocating not to and there was an intense urgency for doing it. Eventually the urgency disappeared and now I am just waiting for a time that feels right, inside of me.

I wrote something about that memory. I will be sharing it soon. For now, I want to share a poem I wrote about how that agony felt inside of me then and in a much lower intensity, is still felt now.

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Old me, new me – deep in the process of transformation

Old me, new me – deep in the process of transformation

I have been quiet for what feels like a very long time. This morning, a friend encouraged me to share this part of my process even though I feel a little bit stuck and slightly uncomfortable. There is a lot to share from the last month and a half but I don’t feel ready to share everything just now. All in due time.

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Season Greetings

Season Greetings

I had prepared a nice graphic with the 'normal' and expected Merry Christmas and Happy New Year message and was about to write something but nothing felt honest and authentic within me. So here is what came up…

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Journeying within and writing

Journeying within and writing

I feel that this has been coming together for some time. Back in July, I received a clear message that I must write more, that I must share my ‘voice’.

I started writing more social media posts, exploring expressing myself and what I was experiencing with the written word.

The message to write and share my ‘voice’ continued to show up in many ways in the months after. I carried on writing.

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Body wisdom

Body wisdom

The other day I noticed something in my body. As I was walking, I noticed that my hand was closed and my thumb was tucked in with my fingers holding it safe. The first time I noticed and realised the reason for walking with this hand position was back in 2016 and I realised, through a series of events, self-enquiry and what was happening then, that this meant I was feeling anxious. To notice my body doing this again after a few years of not doing it, raised alarm bells for me. What part of me was feeling anxious and why was I not aware of it?...

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Too much

Too much

Yesterday, a friend of mine sent me a blog post entitled: 'The Myth of the 'Too-Much' Woman' by Sophie Bashford. You can read it yourself here: https://www.sophiebashford.com/new-blog/2017/7/4/the-myth-of-the-too-much-woman.

My response to my friend was: 'Sooo good! It was like a salve reading it.' It felt that I was reading these words at exactly the right time for me and I feel that what I share next, is a direct result of the words from the blog post as well as the discussion I had with a male friend on this same topic... 

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Glastonbury - The White Spring

Glastonbury - The White Spring

This year I have been to Glastonbury twice. The first time for one day and the second time I stayed for four days. I was going to write about my experience there in one post but then realised that I wanted to go deeper in some of the spaces. Here is my experience of the White Spring.

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Women’s Circle

Women’s Circle

A couple of weeks ago, I got inspired to create a video where I answered some questions about Women’s Circles from my perspective.

Questions like:

- What is a Women’s Circle and what happens in one?

- Why am I creating this Women’s Circle?

- Why should you take the time to come to this Women’s Circle?

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Who am I?

Who am I?

Hello! Welcome to 'It's not all happiness and coconuts'.

This is a longer post but I wanted to give you a bit of a context about who I am and what has been happening in my life in the last couple of years. At the end of the post there is a bit about financial support and it will make sense if you read this all. Hope you enjoy it.

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Postponing life

Postponing life

Even though I have read about this many times, I have recently came to the realisation of how much I keep postponing in my life.

I have been focused on self love and care for quite some time and it has been a continuous journey and practice. I feel like I have come a long way yet, there is more to do. In particular when it comes to loving my body

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I am here to heal the feminine

I am here to heal the feminine

‘I am here to heal the feminine’

This was a part of what came up for me this weekend when I participated in a workshop with the title: Magdalena: Mother, Teacher, Whore, lead beautifully and vulnerably by Winter Jade Icely @the_sexwitch.

When I uttered these words out loud, surrounded by a group of women, my body felt full of electricity. I felt the truth in these words deep in my whole being.

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Forgiving in pieces

Forgiving in pieces

I used to get very annoyed at all those memes about forgiveness and the idea they seemed to put forward that forgiveness is important in order to move on in your life, that if you continue to hold on to the hurt, you won't be able to move on, and I can see how this is true, yet, what really annoyed me was that I felt that there was a sort promise implied that everything would be ok once you forgave. It would be a happy ever after sort of life. 

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Letting go

For the month of February in particular, the theme for me was 'letting go'. Back in the beginning of December 2016, I realised that I needed time for myself, to recover, heal and do lots of self-care. It would be too stressful for me to just jump from a full time job, and into a launching a business almost from scratch and living in London. The financial pressure would be too much. I handed in my notice for my flat at the end of December 2016 and during January and February 2017 I focused on letting go.

What did I let go of? A lifestyle; things, lots of things, I all of a sudden realised, I was quite attached to; my nest for the last three and a half years, the place that gave me quietness, solace and recovery time from living in a busy city; the same nest, which also allowed me to express myself creatively, both through my body with dance and the making of art. 
It was interesting to notice how attached I was to a bedside table, it was somehow hard to let it go. I observed my feelings about it, surprised as to how much an object as banal as that could mean to me. And still, I let it go. That, and much more.
During these two months I started selling first the smaller things and then the bigger things. I managed to keep the flat livable until the last week of February and then all of a sudden, the place started getting truly empty. By the end of the month, I no longer struggled with letting go as actively, although some things still brought a twitch to my heart when letting them go. 

Today, as I write this in my borrowed space for the next two weeks, I feel relief for having gotten rid of the flat and its contents. The flat because it was a financial burden, my things because they too had started feeling like a burden. My life contents resume themselves to a few suitcases and bags. It feels both liberating and gut wrenching letting go of control and allow more fluidity in how I live my life. The tickets to South East Asia have been bought an now a new adventure begins.