Sharing openly from the heart. Looking Trauma in the eye.
There you go, I can finally say (or write) this in a way that brings no strong reaction or emotion within me. I see it as a simple neutral statement that describes my body. My body is fat. I am fat.
This has not always been like this. Not so long ago, I would have cringed, felt deep shame, denied it, or chosen whatever other words I could think of, that felt more soothing to my self-perception.
Read More‘What about me?’ This question popped into my mind several times in my life.
I am giver. I spent a lifetime giving my love, attention, energy, to work and people. I gave, again and again, and there would be times, when I would somehow stop and ask myself: ‘What about me?’
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This is the first part of a two part post. A before and after account of what has changed in me. How I became aware of the many aspects of being me and what it means in practice to become aware, the transformation and the benefits.
Read MoreThis post will be a mixture of the ‘Books that changed my life’ posts I have shared on my social media (check Instagram or Facebook) and a longer reflection on this subject and my experience.
I read ‘Code Red: Know your flow, unlock your monthly super powers and create a bloody amazing life. Period’ by Lisa Lister back in 2017. I don’t quite remember how the book came to me but when I read it, it changed my view of my menstrual cycle quite dramatically. What I once saw as a painful and uncomfortable monthly nuisance, I could now see as something different. I could see that by understanding my cycle I could understand myself better. My moods, my energy and how to harness this knowing into making time to honour the different stages of the cycle.
As I read the book, for the first time in my life, I actually had the time and disposition to observe my body better and try and identify all the phases of my menstrual cycle. As time went on, I started getting confused and then frustrated, because my cycle seemed to not conform to the descriptions in the book.
Read MoreSome months, on the first day of my period, just like today, all I feel like doing is this:
Recline
Read a book
Watch something light on TV
Knit
Listen to an audiobook
Nap
Read MoreAt the beginning of November I attended a Vipassana Meditation 10 day Silent Retreat. I have made a video where I share about my experience. Hope you enjoy it!
Read MoreThe other day I noticed something in my body. As I was walking, I noticed that my hand was closed and my thumb was tucked in with my fingers holding it safe. The first time I noticed and realised the reason for walking with this hand position was back in 2016 and I realised, through a series of events, self-enquiry and what was happening then, that this meant I was feeling anxious. To notice my body doing this again after a few years of not doing it, raised alarm bells for me. What part of me was feeling anxious and why was I not aware of it?...
Read MoreThis is a poem I wrote from an intense body sensory experience in Bletchley, February 2018. I will be adding some more of my poetry in the coming days. These pieces have all been written from a place of flow and inspiration, with no planning. I never thought I would be writing poetry, yet, here I am. I hope you enjoy this piece as well as my future ones.
Read MoreI dragged myself over tha last days of work. Had to complete one final report and I did so just in the nick of time. My body felt so tired at the end of the day that I got home and had a nap. Yes, that's right, you heard it, a nap. After that nap I was able to do what I needed to do for that evening.
All the art making stoped and so did the self-healing with Reiki. It all got put on hold while I just used the energy I had for the essential.
After the last day of work, which was equally a relief and very sad, I had to travel to Portugal. Once there, the most important thing was to rest.
It feels like I am hibernating. I have only been here two days and they have been very similar. I'm loving and acknowledging the luxury of naps in the middle of the day; whenever I feel like it, I draw and create the art I love; I'm reading fiction 'The Mountain Shadow' and it is the first fiction book I have read for what feels like years, it feels like a treat; and I move to a song or two every day, so that my body gets some attention. I guess this can also be called self-care in action.
I feel tired, my body feels tired and so does my mind. We are all tired.
This has been an incredibly busy year for me. A year of learning, processing and most importantly of change.
And now, the year is coming close to an end and it feels like I am so close to the finish line but not quite there. The tiredness increases with this awareness.
A big part of my life is also coming to an end. Back in September I resigned from a job I was doing for 6 years and from a University I had been working for 9 years. It is a long, long time.
The job is still interesting and challenging but I have done all I could do with it and I now want to invest my energy on something I am passionate about.
If only I did not feel soooo tired... Self care in the coming weeks will be my priority above everything else. I've instituted a nap as soon as I get home from work. If I manage to do other things, great, if not, also great.
I'm thinking of going to that restorative yoga class again this Friday. I'll be doing my Mandala Wednesday tomorrow and see what other creative design comes out.
Right now, as soon as my body feels tired, I rest it. If I have energy I'll move it or do something creative.
Do you prioritise self-care? What things do you do to take care of yourself?
Tonight, I was invited to try a class of Restorative Yoga. When I hear the word yoga nowadays, I always think about the 12 poses and how I could never do some of them and how my body hurts just thinking about it.
I somehow got myself out of the house. I was curious about the place where it was taught, Battersea Yoga, as I know someone who works there. The location is lovely, the room where it is taught brings you immediately into a *sigh of relief* kind of mode. The mood lights were set in blue, I like blue. It looked very different from the place I last did yoga in.
I have a lot of pain in my body generally and I have been hosting a lovely cold for several weeks now. My body feels tired and depleted of energy and I really did not feel like a yoga class at all.
The most difficult part, I had already done, which was to get out of the house, so after being reassured that we don’t even get up from the mats, I was in!
Since I have done Nia Technique White Belt, back in April, I try to be as aware of my body as possible, particularly when in movement. So, I made sure I remembered to take care of my body, to listen to it and not push it into anything that gave it uncomfortable pain.
I learnt straight away that we were only going to do about 5 poses in the next 75 minutes, that we were going to hold it for 5 minutes each and allow our bodies to relax deeply in each one of them.
A lot of different panicked thoughts flashed through my head. I could see myself in excruciatingly tangled positions I might not ever be able to get out of or even hold.
I carried on, I surrendered my body, made sure I supported my body with props that allowed for that surrender to happen in comfort and for my body to breath in relief and relax in places I have forgotten existed. My mind was quiet.
One of the only thoughts coming to my mind was: ‘how come I do not do this more often?’ It felt indulgent in the right way, it felt loving towards my body, it felt caring and delicious. I felt mellow and energised at the end. And most of all, I felt grateful for my body, for myself, for friends, for life.
Thank you Gemma!
Battersea Yoga, I shall be back!
