I Do Not Have To Be Happy for Christmas

I do not have to be happy for Christmas

I do not have to pretend anymore

Pretend to myself that nothing ever happened.
Pretend that others in my family did not harm me deeply as a child and continue to do so as an adult.
Pretend that I love them, when I don’t. Because I don’t and I also do.

I don not have to be happy at Christmas, and neither I have to be sad.

I can just take it as it is, each year being different:

The first year I was terrified of spending it on my own.
The second year I made a big deal of it for my child self.
This is the third year and I made the conscious decision of being on my own. Seeing what may surface and just taking it as it comes.

I understand that my choice makes some people uncomfortable, but the thing is, I choose it, because it is the only way I can be myself.

There is no pressure to put a mask and pretend to be someone I no longer am. There is no pressure to have to ‘perform’ or worry, for the sake of others, forgoing how I really feel and what I really need.

I am creating this empty space and time for me to be myself, in whatever format that may be. What better gift could there be?

I do not have to be happy for Christmas, I just get to be me.

This whole pressure that Christmas is meant to be a happy time, creates space for pretension and obliteration of how we truly feel. I have pretended in so many ways and for so many Christmases, and to me it is time to stop.

It may feel scary and sad, but I get used to it. I get to be the real me, full of contradictions, sometimes not quite knowing how I feel and how to be.

I am learning. Each time I get to practice and learn to embody what it means to be me. Because for a very long time, I had no clue. It is a slow process and as I stand more and more in my personal truth, I get to step into a more authentic version of myself. Trying out new ways, sensing into what feels right for me.

It is a sort of rebirth. Where I get to choose how I engage in the world, or not. I get to make my own choices, discover what are the things I value most and move forward. Stepping into a new skin, a new way of being. Shedding layers and layers, over and over. Until I slither out of the old and into the new.

I do not have to be happy at Christmas
I do not have to pretend anymore

I do not have to be sad at Christmas
Just because I will be on my own

I do not have to be angry at Christmas
Although I could be, if I wanted to

I do not have to be grateful at Christmas
Because I get to be grateful when I really feel it and not because someone tells me it is time to be.

I get to be me this Christmas and every day of the year. This one and the next, the one after and beyond.

I do not have to be happy at Christmas
Nor do I have to be sad
I am going to be alone this Christmas
And it isn’t really all that bad.

By Pelagia Pais (22/12/2021)

Uff, what a relief!

If you are alone this Christmas, I hope you get to allow yourself to feel it all and to get to know yourself better through it.

For the survivors of childhood abuse, if you are in the UK and need support during this time or any other time, you can contact The National Association for People Abused in Childhood (NAPAC) for free. Visit their page for details.
If you are somewhere else in the world and there are other support lines available, please list them in the comments.

Be gentle and kind with yourself.

With love
Pelagia