I was born to be a mother
/In fact, I was a mother as soon as I came out of my mother’s womb. A destiny, I am not sure I will be able to physically be, as I am a couple of weeks away of turning 44.
The archetype of the mother is very strong in me.
My name comes from a Russian book called ‘The Mother’ by Maximo Gorki. I do not believe it was totally by chance. The book tells the story of a mother called Pelagia and her son Pavel. Pavel was involved in politics and at some point, Pelagia helped distribute and hide pamphlets for her son, out of love. She was an unlikely revolutionary.
An unlikely revolutionary - I love these words together. A mother is not thought of as revolutionary, right? Not until you look deeper. Because, ultimately, we are all revolutionaries, or have the potential to be.
Going back to my name. I was told that my father wanted me to be called Pelagia. He did not have a mother when growing up and from a very young age. The stories regarding my paternal grandmother vary, depending on who tells the story. I do not think I will ever know the truth about her life, her situation and choices. I know that my father was the youngest and did not know what it was to have the love of a mother.
I was born a year after the Carnation Revolution in Portugal. I know that my father was involved in politics, and my mother told me that he was about to be arrested if the revolution had not happened.
There were quite a few Russian books in our house. My father was a communist. The book ‘The Mother’ was just one of them. I believe that my dad chose my name unconsciously out of his desire to have a mother. I have never asked him about this, but then again, my father will always deny that he has any problems as an adult relating to the fact that he did not have a mother when growing up. So the conversation has never felt possible.
So I’ll continue to explore what I sense out of the story.
I was born to be his mother. I was born to take care of both my parents. From a very young age, I felt responsible for keeping the peace between my parents. I often felt I was a translator between them. I was the in between. The buffer. I was able to understand them both. I was able to explain what each of them meant when they said things to each other.
My mother, well, she felt very very lonely. With my father being ‘married’ to politics first and then to her, she used the fact that she had me, to change the focus of all her attention, needs, desires to me, and three years later, to my brother. I was born to be her best friend and her mother. I was my mother’s mother
This, is how my destiny as a mother started and has been developing.
Over the years, I have been a mother to friends and to boyfriends. I have been a mother at work and a mother to strangers. I have been a mother to many people, except a mother to myself.
Being a mother to myself, feels like the most important role at the moment.
My focus outwards, comes from this role I was put into (or have I chosen it?). By being the mother of so many others, I completely neglected how much of a mother I needed. It has only been this year, that I have really realised this need. It has only been this year that I have realised how much I needed parenting.
Anger rose, in fact, there is still a lot of anger around this. I’m totally ok with it, because I know that anger is helping me get clarity. It is helping me connect to what I really need in my life. It rises and it subsides, like the tides. It comes at unexpected times and then also quickly disappears.
I resent that I am the one who now has to parent myself. I resent that I have to parent my inner child. I stomp my feet, like a grumpy child, at the fact that I have to do all this work because others did not do theirs properly!
I am also ok with this resentment and the stompy grumpy child throwing a tantrum. These are all parts of me that need to be seen and felt by me. That need to be expressed.
My adult, healer, mother self, knows what I need to do. I need to finally have the mother/parents, I have always wished I had. I need to say to me, over and over, everything I ever wished they had said to me when I was growing up. I need to connect to all the different child ages that want to come up and tend to them as if they were my own children. The process of mothering myself is under way.
I know what conditional love feels like, I have learnt and experienced the unhealthy aspects of the mother. I have mothered others in unhealthy ways. By mothering myself, I am finding new healthier ways. It is a trial and error experience, much like what I expect mothering an actual human being is. The difference now is that I am conscious and aware.
I am learning how to mother myself, because I believe that I was born to be a mother. Not only to the little girl that I have been connecting and sensing, yet am not sure she is to actually come through me. But also, that I was born to be the mother of many.
I was born to mother the mothers. I was born to mother the motherless. I was born to mother in healthy ways.
I was born to hold you in my arms and love you unconditionally. I feel this deep within me and as I write these words.
Many times, I have been told that they see me being the mother of many. I feel it too, but I do not believe it is in the conventional way of birthing children. In fact, I have some clues of how this could be, but I do not have the full picture yet. I trust that it will come. I trust that all the pieces of the puzzle will start showing up from expected and unexpected places and the full picture will start making more sense.
For now, I must continue to mother myself. To lick my wounds, to tend to them, to heal. To form new ways of being within myself. New ways of being myself. So that I can turn out to be the mother the world needs me to be.
So that I can be the mother I was born to be.
As a mother, to me and you, I say:
‘You are very important to me’
‘You are safe. I am here to keep you safe.’
‘I am here for you, whenever you need me, I’m here.’
‘I’m your biggest fan and supporter. I believe in you’
‘I love you’
This piece came to me this morning. It started with the title. Once sentence. I felt the calling to come and sit down and just start writing. I had no clear idea of what was going to come next, although I had a vague idea. This thought and sentence has been present in my life in different levels of intensity and awareness.
It feels a little bit uncomfortable to publish it, yet, the calling to do it, is here and I feel I must abide. One deep breath, and I press ‘publish’.